But our bodies have many parts, and
God has put each part just where he wants it. How strange a body would be if it
had only one part! Yes, there are many parts, but only one body. The eye can
never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I
don’t need you.”
In fact, some parts of the body
that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. And the
parts we regard as less honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care.
So we carefully protect those parts that should not be seen, while the more
honorable parts do not require this special care. So God has put the body
together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less
dignity. This makes for harmony among the members, so that all the members care
for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one
part is honored, all the parts are glad. 1
Corinthians 12:18-26
I have read many articles directed at the church, explaining
how and why they are losing people – people who were once committed people. I
feel like I am slipping away too, losing faith in the local church and losing
my desire to be a part of the body of Christ. I am the weak and broken part that
Paul refers to in 1 Corinthians.
For so many years, I was a part of you. I was involved – an aspiring
leader – how I loved teaching God’s Word! Even after tragedy and difficulty hit
me repeatedly I dreamed of the ways God would use my suffering to strengthen
and encourage others of us who were struggling. I prayed fervently that He
would redeem my tears! But somehow, I got lost.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened. It seems like I’ve
drifted away a little at a time, trying to stay connected and hoping for the
best, but moving farther and farther until every week I was dreading attending
church, crying through services, and walking away feeling like no one even
noticed … or cared. I tried so hard along this path to tell people – anyone who
would listen – how I was feeling and what I needed. I have wanted to believe the
best, and give every opportunity for God to restore relationships and heal
hurts. I have worked hard to not make demands, to keep an open mind and not be
critical, to be patient and remember that each person and family has their own
demands, constrictions, and limits, even church leaders. I’ve never expected
others to do things FOR me, in fact, I’ve always been very specific in asking
for help and accountability to do what I could do for myself and my family. But
do you understand that I am, in a lot of ways, alone and very, very broken?
Many times over I thought my request for encouragement and
help was heard and understood. We would start on a solution together: teams and
volunteers and leaders, who would ask me to do things, and offer to help in
ways that they could. I did almost everything requested of me, even when I was
concerned about the consequences of some of those choices and how I would
manage them, and I was assured that you would be here to help me weather the new
challenges. Within a couple of months, every time, the team, volunteer, and
leaders lost interest or concern for me. Now I am left with all of the original
problems and more, resulting from the life changes I made under advice, and I
am trying to navigate them alone. I feel like members and leaders alike avoid
me, because my pain is too much and is going on too long – and of course, that
must be some fault of my own.
It’s not that I believe that there are actually people who
say, “I don’t care.” There are just so many who are too busy to stop and see how real, how consuming my pain is. Many of you offer
words trying to encourage, assurances that you are praying, advice … but the
words just hurt now, because I know that when I am smelling the burning, broken
electrical appliance, sitting in the car that won’t run, and looking at the
bank balance that won’t pay for replacements or repairs or even groceries, the
only thing I will get when I call for help are more words. I feel like all I
ever do is ask for help, and I don't want to still be the one needing help. I know I have so much more to offer and I WANT to
offer more. I worry about what will happen when I end up in the hospital. Will
someone come into my broken down home and criticize me and call DCF again
because I am struggling to keep on top of everything? Will they even ask enough
questions to know that I spend every hour working to stay afloat (hours AT
work, and needed hours at home), driving kids everywhere they need to go,
squeezing in grocery runs and meal preparation and trying fix broken things, all while things around me are running down, piling up, and overwhelming me more?
I know it sounds like I’m only worried about myself, but that’s
not true. I’m frustrated and worried and even angry because I see my children
who have also been abandoned – first by their father, and now by their church
family – until they also have lost interest in the very things that could have
given them hope and the skills to be men of God. This wasn't what I planned or wanted for them! I have done what I can do for
them, but again I tell you: I am not a man. I don’t know how to be a man, and
so I don’t have “man-skills” to pass on to them, spiritually or practically. Most
days I’m tired and overwhelmed and trying to get a few more things done before
I collapse in exhaustion. The strength to teach manly skills and tackle
projects is beyond me. I wonder how you will feel about them, and me, when they
marry your daughters and struggle as godly husbands and fathers. I am trying.
They are trying. But we need help. My heart is breaking for them!
I hurt also for you, because I could do so much for the
church. Some of you are on the verge of facing some very hard places in life. I
know what that is like, and I know how to walk with God through it. I know what
it is like to walk through flaming wilderness, to cling to God in the middle of
what seems like an eternal fire, to fall on your face begging God for help
because there is no other place to go in pain. I know how to do it day in and
day out for year after endless year. In spite of what we publicize, there isn’t
always complete or immediate healing. Sometimes the wilderness really is 40
years and you feel like quitting. I’ve been there, and have kept going when I was
close to ending it, and I want to use what I’ve learned to encourage others,
but for now I'm still there, and lately I can’t seem to be able to heal enough to be functional. Every time
I feel like I’m getting back on my feet and connecting again, I get hurt,
rejected, or forgotten, and fall back to feeling abandoned, unwanted, and
hopeless. The enemies lies kick in and play in my head and there are too few
people in my life speaking truth and helping me fight the lies. Isn’t it in
your best interest to invest in helping me heal so I can be useful again?
Others in the sin-broken world around us need what I have
too. Because my struggle is so real, and so common in the fallen world, I draw
others struggling to me in shared pain. I so long to bring them to you to
minister to, so they can find healing and hope … but how can I, when I can’t
even find that? How can I tell someone that Jesus loves them and wants to heal
them and that He will use His church to help, when I know that all they might
find is a place where they don’t fit in and aren’t noticed unless they have
time, money, and resources to give back? I’m broken. They are broken. Am I too
much of a liability for you? Because if I am, how will you take care of the
lost who are even more broken and without hope than I am? You say you want
them, but are you willing to bear the cost? Because I long to bring them to
you, so we can care for them together!
The worst thing is that your negligence and lack of real
sacrificial concern has even pushed me to doubt God. I hurt and hurt and hurt …
and you do so little, and it seems so many days like He does nothing … because
wouldn’t He use you? Is the problem that He’s not really speaking to you, or
that you don’t listen, or that I just really don’t matter to Him or to you? ….
I just don’t know. I know how you are flourishing. I see how you dress, and
vacation, and build on what you have. Trust me, I don’t want to take any of
that from you. I just don’t understand why God continues to take more and more
from me all the while telling me He loves me, while you are blessed with more
than plenty. I am haunted by accusations that it is because of something I’ve
done, or not done, and then assaulted by reminders that it is all grace, but
oh! How this grace hurts!
If I seem angry, even edging into bitterness, I know this is
true. I’m trying not to let it go there … I know I have been spared so much! I'm trying to take responsibility for the things in my life that I can change, but I am so buried under years of neglect I don't even know where to start, and quickly become overwhelmed by all the demands. I
work hard to be grateful for what God IS doing, what He is giving … but I want
to be loved and pursued and desired. I know in my head that He has all of these
things for me, and that He alone is enough, but you are a part of Him and I
want you too! I want you to love and desire me. I want you to cry with me, and
get angry with me, and laugh and rejoice with me too! And in case you are
saying that I need to connect more to find these things, remember: I am the
drowning swimmer in the ocean. I’m almost out of strength, so I can’t even see
you most days, much less swim to you. Isn’t there any of you who are willing to
throw me a life preserver … again and again if need be … until I am safe on
board the ship?
If you hear nothing else in this letter, please hear this: I
don’t want this to be the last thing I say on the church. You have been there
getting me through many hard things. I’ve lost so much, and was kept afloat by
you. I miss you! I am hopeful that I can be a part of you again, I just don’t
see that happening now, and I’m almost out of strength. Do you want me? Do you
love our Lord enough to show the world His love? Because that is what I want
the world to see in our church. I believe with all my heart that our love for
each other will draw unbelievers to us like no ad campaign we can dream up. I believe
that sacrificially caring for each other will silence our critics and will
generate the resources we long to have to minister to the lost. I believe that
our skeptical generation will be curious when they see us loving each other in
deeds, not just words. I believe this because it is what God has said. It is
what I want, not just selfishly, but righteously. Do you want this too?
I’m waiting to see.
